Stories on the edge of familiarity
I Am Feeling This

I Am Feeling This

I want to excise her
I don’t want her to be real
that cold woman
the one who says she’s free of other people’s emotions
only because she turned off her empathy
so completely
she might as well have never had it
I don’t want to acknowledge
that I am capable of this

I don’t want to acknowledge
the woman who is hard as dead stone
who would say the cruelest, most cutting things
who would slice open your arteries
just to watch you bleed
when she was done with you
or if she could keep you like that
I don’t want to see
that I could treat anyone badly
I don’t want to be her

I have nightmares about her
not the kind where I’m afraid
the kind where I know I should be afraid
where I know what’s happening is awful
and yet I can’t stop myself
or I don’t want to
(really, I don’t want to)
I just want the pain to stop

She is the shadow in your peripheral vision
she is the one whose claws
will gut you
tips so sharp
you don’t even feel them slide in
She is the monster
I want to say she is the monster
but she’s a human being
she wants what I want
to belong
to be loved
but she’s so good at hurting me
I don’t want to open up to her
even though I know the only way she’ll find healing
is if I do

is when I do

and I will find healing then, too

She is the wolf I’m afraid of becoming
so full of bitterness
so afraid of anything good
that she has turned her heart to stone
and no one can get inside
to touch her with kindness
how can anyone help someone like that?

I want punishment for her
I want her to face everything she’s done
pay for all the ways she’s hurt me
I want to expel her
I don’t want her to be me

Because if she is, aren’t I doomed?

I see the sociopathic future she’s set for herself
no, psychopathic
whoever needed a hold on reality, anyways?
If she held free rein
If she was the only part of me
I shudder to think of where I would be
and the broken bodies left in my wake
I’m so afraid of hurting people
and she is me on red kryptonite
and oh, God, how scared I am of her becoming true

I am so ashamed of the wrong thoughts I have
every mean, belittling, unkind thing
I put it in her
She was just a concept
an idea that I could put into a story
back when I played with the idea of also writing myself into the world
(I thought it would be an interesting idea)
(I’m a little ashamed that I thought that)
And look, here I am
scared of her
scared of the woman who will take what she wants
no regard for the consequences
she will make the world bend to her
bend in her favour
she will step on anyone in her way to get where she wants
and she enjoys putting lesser people in their place
I hate that she thinks of others as lesser
She is my demon
my nightmare
she suffocates me in my attempt
to keep her from ever
ever
rising to the surface
it would be over if she did
I would be over
if she did

I can’t keep living this way
I
can’t
I
can’t
She is every awful thing I have ever thought or spoken or done
But I have done awful things, too
just different
My fear of hurting others would manifest
in treating them as fragile
trying to protect them in inappropriate ways
She would hurt people on purpose
because, if it’s going to happen anyways
might as well get it over and done with
But I can control me, I say
I can’t keep her under control
You manage the sin you prefer, the voice of truth says
that doesn’t make it not sin
But she’s given up trying, I say
I haven’t
So then love her, the voice of truth says
and show her that you have
I don’t have to prove myself to her, I say
No, the voice of truth says
but you do want to love yourself

I don’t know how to love her
I say

Let me show you
says the voice of truth
To love her you die
you die to all the ways you’ve excused your behaviour toward her
you die to ignoring her
you die to repressing her
you die to telling her she’s not welcome and never will be
you die
so that you can live
there is no other way
do you see the damage you do by judging her unhuman
and condemning her to a place behind bars?
Do you see that, from her perspective
she has to protect herself from you?

There is only one you,
says the voice of truth
these two selves you present to yourself
is a game you play
You’re so afraid of condemnation
that you condemn part of yourself as demonic
thinking that if
you could cut off your hand
everyone would see
how perfect you really are
I have made you perfect
not flawless
but whole
so treat yourself the way you want to be treated
and you will find the joy you’ve been repressing
because you thought you had to sin
you thought you had to be “right”
to get it

I don’t have to be right,
I say, face hot

If you did,
says the voice of truth
then would you need to defend yourself
against me just now?
Would you need to defend the “truth”
from the voice of truth?

You’re a lot smarter than people give you credit for
I say

I am, but the thing that will help you love
says the voice of truth
isn’t intelligence
but wisdom
Knowledge is worthless if you don’t know how to use it
and if you don’t put it into practise
So

So?

So.

When I let go of this fantasy
and let go of avoiding responsibility
for my actions
I find I am angry
I want to say that anger is the wolf
but that’s my coping mechanism talking
so let’s try a different perspective
My anger is mine
real
human
the cry of a broken heart wanting to mend
and the anger melts away-
NO
I
am
feeling
this
I
am

oh my god
I am feeling this

there is no monster
there never was
there were only my feelings
inside of me, not outside
I have feelings about this
inside my body
not outside
Fantasy is fantasy
this is real
this is right now
this is here
this is weird

but I like it

heh, I’m not really sure where to go with this
I did not see this coming

I’m sorry for the things I’ve done wrong

yeah

that’s actually what I’m feeling
how cool is this?

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