Stories on the edge of familiarity

If Rumpelstiltskin Were 100 Times More Snarky

Or: I Totally Forgot How Random the Ending Is

 

(Announcements: I wanted to let you know that there won’t be a post next week -August 15- because I’m taking a week off from the computer in order to go to camp. Yay for camp! Now, the show is about to begin. Please turn off all cellphones and other distracting devices, and put away your cameras, as photography is strictly prohibited. Thank you, and enjoy the show. :) )

 

Act 1: The Miller Meets the King
Scene i: The Miller is Also an Idiot

Enter KING and MILLER

KING: Hi, I’m a king.

MILLER: Oh yeah? My daughter can spin straw into gold.

KING: Oh yeah? Prove it.

(GIRL gets dragged on by a few guards.)

KING (to GIRL): If you can’t do it, you die.

Exeunt

 

Act 2: Conveniently, a Dude
Scene i: Well, It’s Better than Dying

Enter GIRL

GIRL: Crap. I have no idea what I’m doing.

(GIRL starts crying)
Enter RUMPELSTILTSKIN

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Hey, I can do that straw into gold thing. What have you got for me?

(GIRL hands him her necklace)

(RUMPELSTILTSKIN takes the necklace, then spins straw into gold)

Exit RUMPELSTILTSKIN, Enter KING

KING (looking at the gold): Do it again!

Exit KING

 

Scene ii: Of Course, Lies Have This Habit of Getting Bigger

(GIRL starts crying again)

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: You need more help? What have you got?

(GIRL offers ring)

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Cool.

(RUMPELSTILTSKIN takes the ring, then spins straw into gold)

Exit RUMPELSTILTSKIN, Enter KING

KING (looking at the gold): Do it again! And I’ll marry you!

Exit KING

 

Scene iii: No Prob, I Just Want Your Firstborn

Enter RUMPELSTILTSKIN

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Just thought I’d swing by and help out before you started crying again. Got anything to give me?

GIRL: No.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Cool, then I’ll just take your first kid.

GIRL: I might not have kids, but… darn. Sure.

(RUMPELSTILTSKIN spins straw into gold)

Exit RUMPELSTILTSKIN, Enter KING

KING (looking at the gold): We shall marry at once!

[censored due to honeymoon]

[censored due to childbirth]

Exeunt

 

Act 3: Less Conveniently, a Dude
Scene iBad Guys Hate it When Women Cry. Really.

Enter GIRL and RUMPELSTILTSKIN

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Pay up.

GIRL: Um. Take all the gold back!

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Um. No.

(GIRL bawls her eyes out)

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Oh, crap. Fine. You have three days to guess my name. Or I get your kid.

Exeunt

 

Scene ii:  An Uninspired Attempt at Suspense 

(Stagehand carries sign across stage saying: “Two days later”. Flips it: “Rumpy: 2, Queen: 0”)

 

Scene iii: Thank Goodness For Random Coincidences

Enter GIRL and MESSENGER

MESSENGER: I saw a dude dancing randomly in the forest and singing that he’d get your kid. And he said his name is Rumpelstiltskin. That doesn’t make me curious at all about how he might be connected to you.

Exit MESSENGER, Enter RUMPELSTILTSKIN

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: So, what’s my name?

GIRL: Jack?

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No.

GIRL: Hank.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: No. You’re really scraping the barrel, aren’t you?

GIRL: Jk, jk, it’s Rumpelstiltskin.

RUMPELSTILTSKIN: Holy crap. YOU’RE IN LEAGUE WITH SATAN!

(RUMPELSTILTSKIN stomps so hard his foot gets stuck. When he tries to pull it out, he rips himself in half)

Exeunt

 

(Adapter’s note: Yeah, I have no idea, either.)

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